I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My ATM looks so different sober.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
