can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
