before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize