you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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