i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
