With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
