Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
