Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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