If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
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She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
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I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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