I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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