All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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