Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
