I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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