The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My vagina just clenched in fear
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
