I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
