ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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