my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You can't special order awesome
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
