im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
