remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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