I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
