after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
