so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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