you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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