wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
