She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
