you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
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you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
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Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
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