Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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