Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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