your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
