Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
