omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
