I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
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Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
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I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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