A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
