I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
