I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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