I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
