she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
