tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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