I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
We are two peas in an std pod
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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