I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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