im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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