Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
