I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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