There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I will be naked everywhere
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
