We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
