there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
