Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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