i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
