Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
