all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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