My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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