sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
