You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
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