that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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